Death

So, Carly brought up an interesting thought in her blog today and I thought I should post my thoughts on the subject. The subject being death. Death has been my biggest fear for as long as I can remember. When I was a little girl, my sister and I used to sleep in the same room and before we fell asleep, I would always say, "you're not going to kill me in my sleep, right?" It was a little weird. I also used to pretend I was dead a lot. My parents would come home from work and I would just lay in the living room with my hands crossed over my chest like how they put dead people in coffins and I would lay there and try not to breathe for as long as I could. My mom got freaked out when I kept doing things like this, so she took me a hypnotist to try and find out what the issue was. (By this time, I was about 10 and it had been going on for about 6 years) When I get there, my mom comes in with me and I get hypnotized. The doctor asks me how I think I am going to die and I say that I am going to be stabbed and murdered. (This, of course, sent my mom into complete panic) He never did find out what the issue was or where it all came from. It's strange, when I was younger, no one in my family died, I never went to a funeral or even a viewing.
Honestly, I didn't know of anyone that had died until I was in jr. high and one of my friends was hit by a car and killed. Her name was Ashley Wardle and I still think about her a lot. She and I used to sit next to each other in Science class and we would always take tests on Fridays and then pass them to each other to grade. The sneaky thing was, we wouldn't write anything on the tests except our names and the other person would circle the right answers when we graded each others tests. I never had a better grade in Science :) We used to also pass notes to each other by placing them in our respective lockers. The day before she died, I told her I had put a note in her locker that I had written the previous day, but she said she couldn't find it. She never found it because I never wrote it. The next day, she wasn't in school and there were rumors flooding the hallways that she was hit by a car the night before. Everyone thought it was just a hoax until, during first period, our principal came over the loudspeaker and told us she was killed the night before. For some reason, the fact that I had never written her that last note, always plagues me. Everything is about timing. I thought, if I had written her that note, and she had stayed by her locker 1 minute longer to read it after school, she would still be here. I dunno. That's probably stupid. I went to her viewing at Wasatch Lawn Cemetary and the line was OUT THE DOOR with students from school. I went with my friend, Sarah Aagard, and my Dad. I was TERRIFIED. When we walked into the little room where her coffin was and she was inside, I was shaking. I didn't want to look. Finally, Sarah and I were to the front of the line, and I looked at her still body laying there... lifeless. She was wearing a white dress and had a teddy bear in her hand. Her nails were painted red and that, along with her dark hair, made her pale face look ghostly. When I saw it, I started BAWLING. From fear, from pain, from sadness. Her mom and dad and brother were standing in a line by the coffin and her mom grabbed me and hugged me tight. I will never forget her saying, "I need all the hugs I can get from little girls right now." I stayed in her arms and let her hold me. I cried, I shook, I felt like I couldn't stand up for much longer. Then I left. I didn't go to the funeral the next day. I never saw Ashley's family again. I went to her grave a few times while I was still in Utah. She died on November 29th. I think of her a lot, not just on that day. After she died, I used to have dreams about her. She would come and talk to me about whatever. I slept with my lights on for 2 weeks. I miss her. I wonder where she would be today. If she would be at all. Was it just her time to go? I'm a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. Would she have been taken anyway, even if it wasn't that fateful day? I wonder if we would still be friends. I miss her.